I like to describe myself as “100% Dad, 50% of the time.”
It’s amazing how many people understand exactly what that means. For those who don’t, I am divorced and split custody of my two tween kids 50% of the time.
During the weeks they are with me, I try to focus 100% of my time and energy on my relationship with them. When they are not with me, I try to focus 100% of my energy on whatever I need to do to reset and get back to that space where I can be 100% dad for them the next time I’m with them.
A few months ago, recharging included going out with friends for drinks, watching live stand-up comedy and bands, and sometimes going on dates and meeting new people. Basically, anything but being at home. Does that sound a little like I was overcompensating? After a lot of time to reflect, I know now that I was.
Living with split custody while sheltering-in-place has meant accepting the startling contrast between the constant noise and joy of living with two kids and a dog and the subdued quiet of just myself, alone and staring at my mostly blank “teige” (a lovely mix of tan and beige) colored walls in silence.
![photo of dog for glass printing](https://blog.fractureme.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/photo-of-dog-for-glass-printing.jpg)
My apartment is no longer the place I just sleep when my kids aren’t around. It is now the place where I wait quietly for their return. And in that interim, it is a place where I long for table-top games and laughs around the dinner table.
Drinks with friends have turned into phone calls with old college roommates. Going out to watch bands and stand-up comedy shows have turned into me curating playlists on Spotify and writing comedy for my forthcoming stand-up debut. The ritual of going on dates and meeting new people has turned into making pen-pals, and awkward “nice to meet yous” over Zoom or FaceTime.
The truth is, I want to be 100% Dad much closer to 100% of the time. And there is nothing I can do to change that. But there is one thing that can help.
When my kids and their dog are not here, I close off the door to their room. I pick up the dog bowls and move them to the dishwasher, and I get just a little bit sad when I walk through the common area, knowing they are not with me. The dining table is especially impactful and difficult. I cannot look at it without seeing the recent memories of my children enjoying games and meals with me. And at that moment I can feel the undecorated “teige” colored walls of the apartment closing in on me.
So rather than just put up a photo of my kids off on some adventure, I wanted a photo of them from the space, within the space. I wanted to include the real, physical elements of the dining table and yellow chairs that are always there to visually mix with a glass print in our largest size showing my kids in that space to make me almost feel they are still with me, even when they are not. A reminder that I am 100% Dad.
![glass prints of dog for wall decor](https://blog.fractureme.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/glass-prints-of-dog-for-wall-decor.jpg)
I draw joy from this space now. When I walk through the heart of my apartment and see the dining area, I get a big smile on my face each time I see the kids, even when they are not here in person. When I look towards the dog bowls, I can sense that our dog is with me even when he is not.
And somehow, this has made me feel like maybe I can be 100% dad, 51% of the time. That extra 1% is priceless to me.
![overcompensating divorced dad with child's glassprint](https://blog.fractureme.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/overcompensating-divorced-dad-with-childs-glassprint.jpg)
For more on fatherhood, check out Abhi’s latest letter to his son, or Herb’s advice for new dads.
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